The Great Partner Test
Article by Hope Alexander
November 09 2007. Article viewed 13578 times.
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New relationships are exciting things indeed. Both partners are so sweet, so charming, so perfect. They could very well be the one, you know, and you can already hear the wedding bells and pitter patter of little feet. As you drive to work, you rubber neck in shop windows, wondering what color of cummerbund you might like to wear to your fantasy wedding, or if you´re female, whether you will be going with white or off white for the dress.
Give it a few months though, and you´re hunting through your little black book for a suitable assassin to off your once loved one.
As we´re all no doubt aware, assassins are pricey indeed, and in today´s economy one has to be frugal with ones monies. Therefore you should vet your new partner very carefully to ensure that they really are at the very least tolerable.
This means testing their temperament. At the moment they´re behaving themselves, biding their time until they have you hooked and can start bitching at you about using a coaster, or going out with your friends or throwing vases at you in the middle of a heated argument over whether or not duct tape is spelt “duck”. For this test, first remove all sharp objects from the room. If they should happen to fail this test then you will regret leaving any dangerous weaponry around.
You can do this anytime, but preferably do it at home where you can control the safety of the environment. Start off with a loving greeting, a nice kiss, and then offer your partner a drink. It doesn´t really matter whether or not they accept, the point is that you obtain a liquid substance with which you will begin one of the most irritating sounds in the world.
The Slurp
Most people find the slurp to be totally intolerable. Make sure that you have your darling´s attention before drawing the liquid noisily into your depths. You should get a warning glance before too long, but keep it up, you really want to see just how much irritation they will put up with before they yank the mug from your hands and hurl it through the window. They may make a polite request for you to desist from slurping, which you should acknowledge in the affirmative and then continue on as you were. Act as if unaware that you are the source of their aural discomfort, and look at them in surprise if they should suggest that you are doing it on purpose. Emulating a stunned halibut is particularly effective for this stage of things.
The slurp tests many facets of your intended´s character. First of all it tests their ability to tolerate annoyance. This will come in extremely useful later in your relationship when all the things that they find cute now suddenly become incredibly irritating. This point usually comes between 6 months and a year, and you need to be certain ahead of time that this will not break your sweetie darling and send him/her into a psychotic rage.
It also tests their perception of you. If they start snarling about how you always try and annoy them, then chances are that they don´t think too highly of you. You can´t take that personally, chances are that they are simply very suspicious and badly socialized.
If they simply ignore you, that can mean one of three things.
1) They are bomb proof.
2) They are incredibly self absorbed and haven´t noticed you.
Or
3) They´re dead.
If you´ve checked his/her pulse and they seem to be coherent, then you have to determine whether you simply have a very placid partner indeed, or whether they haven´t actually noticed that they are with you as yet.
This leads us to the second test.
The Scream
This test is an awful lot of fun when done in the right fashion. Basically, just hurl yourself upon the floor and writhe around a bit whilst yelling horribly. If your intended fails to respond to your distress signals, you can bet that they´re in category b and you should rid yourself immediately of them. Chances are that they won´t even notice. Either that or you pissed them off so much with all your slurping that they don´t give a damn. The scream is normally inconclusive in the case of a negative response. If they rush to your aid immediately, then count yourself lucky. You have met one of life´s bovine temperaments and you should wed him or her immediately.
If you found yourself ignored on the scream, that is never good news. However you do need to carry out further testing in order to tell if it is a case of annoyance or obliviousness.
The Silent Treatment
If you´ve been ignored whilst screaming your head off, then go to slinking around silently. Avoid eye contact and say nothing, but stay within several feet of your partner. If they start looking for someone new whilst you´re still in the room then you have a classic case of partnerus oblivious. This can often go undetected in the early stages of a relationship due to the fact that they appear to be good listeners, a function of the way they´re actually always thinking about themselves and don´t hear a word you say.
If they smack you over the back of the head and ask you what the hell you´re doing , then congratulations friend, you´ve found what we call “a normal”. You and your partner should be able to live a long semi dysfunctional life together just like all the rest of us.
All that´s left to decide is whether you go with the floral pattern, or the classic white.
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