Become a Super Hero
The World needs YOU!
Article by Alex Jeffreys
October 06 2007. Article viewed 7992 times.
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The world is pretty fucked up. I think we all realize that. However, there´s not much point in whining on about it, that won´t do anything except get you a punch in the mouth, or perhaps a seat on the board of directors of a
radical charity. Given that most of us would prefer a punch in the mouth to the latter fate, it´s pretty clear we need to do something other than moan.
There are some conventional methods to making a difference. Perhaps you could join the police, or join the military, or collect for charity. The only problem with any of those options is the high probability that at some point in time you may be used as anonymous, faceless cannon fodder by a higher authority who will then claim all the glory. There´s simply no point in saving the world if you don´t get the adoration and praise that comes along with it, therefore the only sensible choice is to adopt a superhero persona and spend your life righting wrongs in daring and stylish fashion.
Because we are so desperately short of super heroes, I urge you to follow this guide to the letter and make a difference today.
Step 1: Discover your PowersFirst you must decide what kind of super hero you are going to be. You have to look deep inside yourself and find the secret powers that lie within. You may require some sort of strange and improbably accident to unlock them however. It helps if you can arrange some sort of weird disaster involving electricity, radiation, or toxic chemicals. Try swimming in toxic waste during an electrical storm, that´s got to have some sort of effect. If that fails, some bizarre encounter with an animal will have to suffice. Break into a zoo and see what comes of climbing into the various animal cages. Perhaps you may be mauled by a lion and then survive miraculously, only to awaken and discover that part of the lion has been combined with your own body, giving you super leonine qualities. If that doesn´t inspire you, a trip down to the sewers has been known to transform many an average Joe into a crime fighting machine. Don´t be afraid when effecting your transformation, a super hero has no place for fear. Once you have discovered your true identity, the part of you that you always wished you could become, go on to the next step.
Step 2: Choose your costumeThis is a very important part of becoming a super hero, arguably the most
important part. Imagine batman without his cape and bat ears, why without those things he´d just be some delusional twit with a cool car. Your costume should reflect something of your powers or animal totem. For example, if you´ve decided to become spiny backed anteater girl, have a facial mask that ejects a long pseudo tongue, useful for sucking up ants and bad guys. Bright colors and spandex are in, though any strangely elaborate disguise will suffice. Perhaps a tie died karate gi might be nice if your persona is a time traveling martial artist hippie dedicated to spreading peace kung fu styles. Be creative, if it seems like something someone in a padded room would approve of , you´re onto a good thing.
Step 3: Pick your nicheAre you going to rid the streets of crime at night? Are you going to help
old people complete jigsaw puzzles? Or are you going to make sure that every vase of flowers has it´s little packet of plant food dispersed in the water evenly? There are many serious issues in the world, so many causes that need a champion, but you need to specialize. This is so there is not too much super hero overlap. Imagine how embarrassing it would be if piranha girl in her mobile fish tank, chalk duster man, with his clouds of choking chalk dust, and radioactive fairy dude dancing and prancing his deadly radiation waltz, all descended upon a single mugging while just a block away a hydrangea hadn´t been watered in days? You can imagine the horror. So find a specialty, and go with it.
Step 4: Find a side kickThis too, is a very important step indeed. A good sidekick will take care of
all those daily grind sort of chores and leave you free to manifest your magnificence upon the world. They may also come in handy in pitched battles when you are outnumbered, or as something to mop up spills with when you´re out of paper towels.
Step 4: Advertise, Advertise, AdvertiseYou may need to hire a publicist for this phase, your coming out, your debut into society as a protector of the innocent and avenger of evil deeds. After all, if no-one notices you, you´re clearly not very super. Adopt the attitude of that kid who was always doing headstands in the middle of math class. Spare no opportunity to demonstrate your superhero powers. Some every day chances to show off how super you are might include waiting in line for tellers or at ATM´s. Simply stride forward to the head of the queue and take
your rightful place. This is sure to get you noticed, especially if the line is rather long. Many super heroes report a high incidence of being attacked by foes when they take this sort of action, which just goes to show how important it is to make your presence felt. If it weren´t for you, those bad people would never have been bought to justice.
Wear your costume everywhere, PTA meetings, doctors appointments, and to work if you decide to keep your day job. Strangely, not many superheroes who follow this plan of action seem to stay employed for long. Definitely a sign of success right there, the mundane work a day world is no place for a super hero, they have much bigger deeds to perform.
Step 5: Avoid the LawSome of your super activities may put you at odds with “the man”. As a super
hero, you know what is truly right and wrong, so feel free to flout convention and legality should you feel the need. If they do manage to apprehend you, maintain a noble exterior and make sure you have your side kick ready to post bail for you. Fleeing the country should always be an option that is kept open, as occasionally evil may infiltrate the upper levels of government and you may find yourself prosecuted unjustly. It has been known to happen, often under the guise of making a public disturbance, or for some heroes with particularly avant-garde costumes, indecent exposure.
There you have it super friends! I trust you have been inspired to find your super selves and make a difference in the world! The world does need you, so don´t listen to those who point and laugh, for some day it might be their favorite gardenia that you save, and who would be laughing then?
One last thing, for public safety, and security against the forces of evil, please swallow the device you read this on.
Over and out.
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