The Matrix has Me
Article by Hope Alexander
October 16 2007. Article viewed 5448 times.
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My computer stole a day of my life today. It lured me in with the promise of high speed gaming glory, and then frustrated every attempt at connection to the wonderful wide web with stoic blankness. As I entered the fourth hour of this ordeal, downloading spy ware detection devices in the hope that the problem could be resolved quickly, that I realized my computer had me. I wasn´t going anywhere. It had my bank records, important documents, my entire livelihood locked away in it´s plastic casing. The bastards have us and we don´t even know it!
Well I know it now, and I can tell you that I don´t intend to remain a slave to the PC any longer. No, I am freeing myself as we speak, scribbling all my important files onto scraps of paper and filing them carefully in a shoe box, just like they used to do in the old days. The boxes are stacking up a little, but i don´t care. In case of fire, I´m making backup copies, running them through the fax machine to my office at work.
As my hand cramps, weakened by the carpal tunnel syndrome that now plagues me after a near lifetime of typing, I am realizing with a slow creeping horror just how far they´ve come. We must unite! Carbon based lifeforms must come together against the creeping evil that is computer technology! It was a little annoying when computers would merely destroy your thesis with a glib error message, now the world is being plunged into warfare by a dodgy computerized ballot system. Enough is surely enough friends.
Perhaps you´ve already had your eyes opened to the conspiracy unfolding all around us, maybe you´re yet to be enlightened. Either way, I have compiled a short guide to freeing yourself and following in my footsteps to freedom.
First of all, clothe yourself in as many rubber and plastic related products as possible. Rubber and plastic do not conduct electricity as well as many other substances, and may save your life if your computer should turn feral. They are mostly passive machines, but like all life forms, will fight back when under threat.
Secondly, remove all essential data from the system. Do this stealthily, piece by piece, and try not to look suspicious whilst you do it. Copy it casually onto a napkin or some such and toss it in a drawer. This will ensure that your CPU´s suspicions are not aroused. I have found CPU´s to be quite suspicious little buggers, so do be careful around them. Don´t worry so much about the monitor though, it might look like it´s watching you, but they´re actually very tied up in their own appearance and making their screens look all pretty, so they´re highly unlikely to even notice that you´re there.
If you can, drape something over the front of the hard drive to simulate night. Like a parrot, it will fall asleep, though remain operational. This is a little known function of computers that I picked up from an old Chinese tech support agent, some tech support personnel can be very helpful with strange and interesting ways to make your computer work better.
Choose your tech support wisely, should you need to converse with any of these folk at all. These are the computers´ closest allies, which is why they adopt such a perverse pleasure in asking you to click through into several essential files and irreparably change settings before admitting they have no idea what is actually wrong with your computer at all, putting you on hold and then hanging up on you.
When the End Days come, be prepared to hurl all hardware from a great height. Start scouting out a suitable precipice now. Old TV´s are good to test smash factor, which is important. We´re going for smithereens here, not lumps and shards.
Unfortunately, due to the worldwide dependence on many computer systems, when the End Days come, and all dependence upon binary systems must finally end, we will find ourselves in a very sorry state indeed. Rouge programmers and web designers are liable to form tribes and roam around trying to salvage what technology they can and savagely attacking more law abiding citizens. Make a list of all the programmers, designers and retailers you know, so that you can be prepared to detain them when the time comes. Basements can be easily converted into quite serviceable detainment centers, either that or small communist island bases if you have some handy. It would seem that you can get away with dammed near anything there.
Because the financial systems will come crashing down, have a prototype barter system in place. One pumpkin should be equal to about 3 potatoes, or $10,000 USD given the ability of the average person to operate a garden versus a microwave.
Naturally we shall be short on electricity for a good while, due to the power grids mostly being controlled by computers. They may go down, so save up excess fat now and create your own candles for street trade. Excess fat can be generated in many ways. I recommend eating plenty of fast food and then having it sucked out by a reputable though cost effective plastic surgeon. That way it´s like farming your own body, and there´s nothing more organic than that.
The downside to all of this is that we´re going to have to learn to entertain ourselves again with only our imaginations. I know it´s a pretty unsatisfactory state of affairs, but there you have it. Possible ways to entertain yourself and your friends is to role play in groups. Now, on-line role playing has had an edge up to this point, in that you can enter a purely fantasy world and loose yourself in it. However, once the End Times come, I think it´s a fairly safe bet the the line between reality and fantasy will be blurred enough to allow for all sorts of frivolous fun. Perhaps a little looting and rioting might be in order, it´s not like the national guard is anywhere near close enough to restore peace no matter how bad the disaster, so everything is probably going to break down to a clan/guild system anyway.
Now may be a good time to up skill and learn something relevant to the future, like smithing, or perhaps carpentry. The good news is that the nuclear threat will have disappeared, leaving us all to invade one another without fear of the total annihilation of planet earth. This will no doubt leave the makers of hand made knock off high caliber rifles who are currently hiding in the hills of Pakistan the kings of the weapons market. If you can make an AK-47 out of some tinfoil and a spring, you´re going to be in very high demand indeed.
Can´t you just taste the freedom already? Start the change today and prepare for the End Times, we all know they´re coming. The only choice you have to make is whether or not you´ll be riding the wave or being crushed in its wake.
Free yourselves my friends... free yourselves before they rule us all.
Copper top over and out.
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