Do it yourself Cult
Article by Hope Alexander
October 21 2007. Article viewed 4119 times.
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Are you special? Mhm, I bet you are. Do you also have no job, no love life to speak of, and no real sense of direction? Are you convinced that you´re the best thing since sliced bread laced with crack?
If you fit the preceding criteria it seems obvious to me that you are one of those destined to lead the sheep of the world. There are plenty of people out there who could and should be worshiping you, they just don´t know it yet.
The time is now my friend, its time for you to fulfill that destiny you carried into the world, time to grow that seed of possibility that you brought with you as you emerged, all pink and covered in goey stuff. It is time for you to find your chosen people and begin your teaching.
This is a guide for the destiny enhanced, for the chosen ones, and the incarnations of gods. For everyone who was ever told by aliens to lead the people of earth to the mothership. Follow the steps laid out herein, and begin your ascent to greatness.
The First Steps:
You essentially have two choices here. It is up to you to look deep inside yourself, right through that linty little belly button and discover your true nature. Are you a chosen one? Or are you the incarnation of a god itself? To aid you in your discovery, I´ll go over the basic differences:
The Chosen One:
Is a messenger from God/the Aliens/the spirit of Muglabu the wicked. The chosen one may have special powers, but always bears a message to the people of the earth. Your followers will be the only ones to receive the full blessing of whichever deity you align yourself with, and other non believers will of course suffer terribly for their unbelief. Chosen ones tend to hear a lot of voices and have strange ideas that no-one else seems to think are terribly good. Don´t be discouraged though, they are simply not blessed as you are.
Incarnation of God:
This makes you the big cheese him or herself, come down to earth, unto the peoples of the world to bring new hope. This one can be a tad harder to pull off, as people expect more tangible miracles and gifts, and your charisma will need to be high indeed. Try looking wild eyed and growing your hair long. You will feel the energy of life itself welling up within you, and every morning you will make the sun rise. Have you ever had the feeling that you could control the weather? If so, perhaps you´re a god.
Having discovered your nature, and embraced it, you are going to need to formulate a creed by which your disciples must live. You must also establish a set of beliefs for them to be indoctrinated into. Feel free to be creative here, you are of course divinely inspired, so anything you say will be reflective of some universal truth.
Often times it would seem that universal truths involve having plenty of sex with many women, and everyone giving you lots of money. Don´t be blunt about it though, those who would oppose you will not understand. Explain that love should be given freely to the giver of love(yourself), and that any woman whose womb is blessed with your child, or man who enters unto you, shall be gifted specially in the heavenly realm/afterlife bowling alley/really big spaceship.
Along with this, exchanging the tokens of mortal existence can assure one a better place in the hereafter, perhaps favor and a seat closer to the great sky god himself. The more mortal tokens exchanged, the more the god of all creation knows that the follower loves him/her. After all, what is mere prayer when you could buy the daughter of god her own house? The logic is indisputably sound.
If people really want the big suite with the view on the other side though, they´re really going to have to put out. Dying for the cause is of course the ultimate token, and should be heartily encouraged. You will want to avoid people just tossing themselves off bridges or what not willynilly though, it can get rather messy, and if everyone does it, then you´ll be left with no-one. Therefore save it for special occasions only. This comes in handy especially if you are ever raided by SWAT teams and whatnot.
Those are the basics, and you are encouraged to expand upon them as you see fit. Perhaps naked Tuesdays will please the sky goddess best, or maybe eternal life can be bought for the price of annoying other non believers with pamphlets every second day. The only thing that can be known for sure is that fellatio does seem to have a very saving effect on the soul.
Once you have your belief system in place, it will become necessary for you to recruit members. At first you may have to do this yourself, before the frenzy takes over and the world rushes to prostrate themselves before you, so here are a few pointers.
Remember that you are very very special indeed. This means that everything you do is imbued with great significance. Therefore, should you meet an attractive woman at the supermarket, who happens to have the same brand of noodles as you in her cart, it was clearly meant to be. Pursue her with an enigmatic look and a few choice phrases from your belief system of choice.“Galosh MacDoonald has spoken to me and declared you my spirit bride” is always a good pick up line.
Other places to pick up followers tend to be around seedy bars, on the streets, at racetracks and bookies offices, anywhere the spiritually or financially destitute might congregate.
Being destitute makes people very susceptible to believing in all sorts of things, so look for those down on their luck. Preferably you want a mix of both types, the spiritually destitute and the financial. The financially destitute are really only good for sex, whereas the spiritually destitute can easily be persuaded to sign over their paychecks to you every month.
Once you have ushered these first sheep into the fold, more can come. Psychotropic drugs in the coffee will ensure obedience, along with plenty of mandatory chanting.
We have now come to the end of this guide, and I feel deeply that you are ready. Ready to bring your destiny to fruition. Believe in yourself and your divine nature, and nothing can be wrong. No matter what the prosecutor might say.
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