The idiots guide to money
Article by Hope Alexander
July 15 2007. Article viewed 1779 times.
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Money is very important indeed. You may have had some yourself at some point in time, or seen others exchanging it for goods and services. In many countries, you might be given money for doing nothing at all, or perhaps receive very little for doing lots and lots of work.
Clearly it is wise to understand how money works, and to learn the secret arts of the rich. There are many myths about money out there, most of them contained in financial or economic textbooks. Crazy formulae about supply and demand accompanied by little graphs are littered about the place in a desperate attempt to keep you from knowing the truth about money.
This article will teach you all you need to know about the secrets of wealth creation.
I will let you in on the first one now. Money is a gift from God. That´s right. God gives you money. If you think about it, it all makes sense. That´s why bad people are poor. God knows that they are very very bad indeed and so does not give them any money. Therefore, you know those little starving babies in Africa have fucked up somewhere somehow sometime really badly.
This also means that you should kick hobos. Because hobos are poor too, and therefore they are bad, and bad people should be punished.
Of course, this also means that rich people are good people, and the richer they are, the gooder they must be. That is why you should always vote rich people with lots of rich friends into highly important political roles, because they are obviously the best sort of people to have running a country.
Sometimes the bad poor people will spread scandalous lies about the nice rich good people, and say terrible things like they are stealing their children, or perhaps using them for medical testing, or doing nothing as they drown in their thousands. When bad poor people say things like this you should hit them. They really shouldn´t tell such naughty lies about the good rich people.
You must please the “one true God”, who you must pick out amongst the other gods who are also masquerading as the one true gods as well. In order to help you pick the right one, here´s a couple of hints. Most rich people don´t believe in Gods with lots of arms or anything like that, or do rituals that involve tattoos or strange chanting in the moonlight.
Once you´ve picked your one true God, you can start worshiping him. (The one true god is always a He, if you´ve picked one of those earth mother type Goddesses you´re on the wrong track entirely, you won´t get money, just a lot of moss, and who needs moss? Moss won´t buy you the presidency.)
In order to worship God properly, you need to go and sing songs and tell him how good he is. Otherwise he won´t give you any money. You also need to give him ten percent of your money, so that he knows you are serious and then he will give you lots more money back. God is like a high interest savings plan. Play your cards right and you´ll get eternal life and a new Volvo every three years.
You should also believe everything that you are told to believe about God. You might have to believe that gay people are bad, and that you shouldn´t use birth control, and that interracial marriage is bad. It is very important that you believe all of this without question. This is very important and is called “faith”, not “bigotry”. If you don´t follow the directions to the letter, God won´t give you any money.
Part of your faithfulness will, oddly enough, include something called “Charity”. This is where you give away money to the bad poor people! It´s a shocking concept, but it´s all part of Gods mysterious high yield investment scheme. You don´t doubt your dentist when he tells you to brush your teeth three times a day, so you shouldn´t doubt your religious leaders when they tell you to give money to them, or to disadvantaged bad people.
Being obedient is a big part of getting lots of money from God. Those who do what they are told will be amply rewarded. If you´re following all the directions you´ve been getting, and you´re still not incredibly rich, then clearly you´ve been a bad person somewhere.
You need to atone for this, so get yourself a cat of nine tails and beat yourself soundly. It´s the only way that you can show God how sorry you are and how much you deserve lots of money. Some people will tell you that you should work harder and put in over time and maybe try to get a better job, or go to school instead, but that is a very bad idea indeed.
College is the work of the heathen. All you´ll get there are liberals who don´t fear God, which is why students are so poor. Education is no substitute for Faith, and you can tell those fancy book learners that. While they´re eating their noodles, you´ll be feasting on quail and basking in the godly glow of approval that you earned by steadfastly not using your mind.
Once you have your money, and surely its just a matter of time, you must buy lots of weapons to protect it. God will be very angry with you if you let other bad people take the money that he gave you, so the wealthier you get, the more you have to protect your money. If you should get into political office, ensure that plenty of money goes to buying big guns and tanks to kill the bad poor people. This is good on two levels, because you are protecting your money, and the money of your friends, and you´ll be giving money to weapons manufacturers, who must also be very good people indeed, because look at all the money they have.
Other very good people include drug companies, and some dictatorships (they should be in power, because they have all the money, which means they must know more about being good than all the poor people who live in their country). Communism is of course, utterly evil. Who ever heard of sharing the wealth? Wealth should be in the hands of those who deserve it, something that God determines. Dammed heathen commies have been mostly wiped out now, but you must be constantly vigilant against those who would rise up and try and make you share your money with those who don´t deserve it.
Now that you know the truth, it is up to you to identify and court the favor of the correct Sky God in order to maximize your profits. Remember that faith is the most important thing, and that logic and ´common sense´ may be all that stand in your way. God speaks directly to the leader of the free world, and look how rich he is. If you want to be as good and rich as those who run the show, you need to emulate their behavior. In a final note, do remember that other belief systems are utterly ridiculous, and that tolerating them could lead to reduced profits. God wants you to take their money because they are bad too.
Pray today and start currying favor with the teller in the sky.
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