Make some money – Sell your soul
Article by Hope Alexander
November 16 2007. Article viewed 3726 times.
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It´s hard to make ends meet these days, there are so many bills and expenses, power, food, phone, bail money, it all adds up. In order just to get by you really have to think laterally when it comes to money. You can save by clipping coupons, paying your bills on time to get prompt payment discounts, and by selling things you don´t need, like extra game consoles, text books, kidneys and of course, your soul.
Gasp! Shock! Horror! I speak of blasphemous things! Well yes, kind of, but you can and should relax, we´re not unnecessarily talking about selling your soul to the Devil here, though he has been known to cut some pretty good deals, they´re almost always full of unreasonable terms and conditions relating to pits of fire and whatnot.
No, today we live in a capitalist society, and every asset has more than one consumer. While selling your soul to the Devil does have a certain classic charm to it, you can get a better deal if you just look around. I´ll run over a few worthy places to sell your soul and outline the general advantages and rewards to be found in dealing with each.
Cosmetics Companies/Plastic Surgeons
If you´re a woman an excellent place to sell your soul to is a Cosmetics Company, or perhaps a Plastic Surgeon. In return for your soul you will have the chance to look prettier than you already do. The downside is that you will have to cake your face in a myriad of different creams and powders daily, and you may be gripped with a mortal fear of being seen ´without your face on´.
This is a small price to pay for the off chance that someone will see you and think that you are rather attractive. Plastic Surgeons offer a similar deal, and they really can work wonders, pumping the fat from your ass to your lips and generally rearranging your body until you look better to the rest of us. We might even be nicer to you as a result. Of course in both cases the effects fade with age, but you can simply continue to have more and more painful surgeries and spend more and more time slathering products on your skin in a desperate attempt to have people value you for your appearance.
Many people claim to experience an increase in self esteem, and that´s totally understandable. Nothing increases ones sense of self worth like having to hide ones natural features or get rid of them altogether in order to feel accepted and worthwhile. You can even get bumper stickers like truckers have on the back of their vehicles so that people can compliment or complain about their driving. “Do you like my face? Call my surgeon on 1800 DESPERATE”. If anyone calls in you can go in for a quick touch up on the same day. It doesn´t do to have people think you are less than attractive.
SOUL COMPENSATION VALUE: Upwards of thousands of dollars in love and adoration.
God
Some people say that God owns your soul, but he´s clearly signed the rights over. Thats what religion is about after all, you trying to get salvation for your soul. If God already owned it then you wouldn´t need to do a dammed thing with it.
There are many different ways that you can cut a deal with God, but you should really check the handbook for a taste of what you could be letting yourself in for. If you don´t want your wife turning into a pillar of salt, or to be smited verily, God might not be your best option. He seems to be of fairly variable temperament, and he´s definitely not a fan of being challenged. I wouldn´t know myself, but I bet being cast out of heaven is a hell of a ride. If you do go the God route he´s fairly accessible when it comes to cutting a deal, if you live anywhere civilized you´ll find yourself visited periodically by various emissaries who will offer variations on the theme, eternal salvation. Which is nice, but it won´t keep you in Big Macs.
SOUL COMPENSATION VALUE: Whatever eternal bliss is worth.
Government
You could sell your soul to the Government, that´s a popular option often known as Patriotism. Patriotism can be a fun way to get benefits like screwing the rest of the world and expanding the Empire. Some of the benefits of being a Patriot is that your behavior becomes unquestionable no matter how cruel you might be to people who don´t look like you, talk like you or act like you. The downside is that you may have to dress in the colors of the flag and chant slogans like “We´re number one!” Both of which will unfortunately make you look like a total toss. Other downsides are the loss of the ability to question anything the Government does, but hey, they´re acting in your best interests anyways right? The upside is that you will blend in utterly with your surroundings, like a chameleon and potentially live a very ordinary, safe life indeed, far from them furriners and their weird and dangerous beliefs. This leads us to the most popular place that people sell their souls today:
SOUL COMPENSATION VALUE: Better than a stay in a secret detainment center.
The Status Quo
Many people sell their souls to the status quo without having noticed it. The status quo offers many benefits like being accepted by all the normals around you and never having to actually think about anything. That´s a huge pay off right there. You can spend you whole life thinking about important things like matching jumpsuits, whether or not Lindy did steal Dylan from Cindy, the latest soap opera on television, and finding a man. These are of course hugely rewarding endeavors and your next door neighbors are likely to be impressed with your ability to stay far away from any topics with depth. Selling your Soul to the status quo means that you never have to think about why you have mysteriously come to concisenesses on this planet hurtling around a fiery ball in the depths of what seems to be nothingness. Everybody else is doing it, so it must be okay.
This mentality is also hugely useful for getting through the night when it seems that everyone is doing terrible things. Should we bomb people who have only attack goats to defend themselves with? Look around you, if everyone else seems satisfied, then you can be too. You probably won´t even notice the loss of your soul, its more like a slow dissolving which leaves a hole quickly filled with meatloaf recipes and floral patterns.
SOUL COMPENSATION VALUE: Priceless
You could of course keep your soul and try to make a go of things, but it will probably be a rather difficult path to follow, due to the fact that many things will seem very wrong indeed, and nobody else will seem to notice them.
Souls are largely useless in modern society anyhow, though if you are particularly interested in keeping your around, you could perhaps have a surgeon extract it and put it in a silicone breast implant. That way you can be perky and have a meaningful life. Or something like it.
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