Paris! Her Breasts! Behind Bars!
A religion is born!
Article by Hope Alexander
June 16 2007. Article viewed 6240 times.
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The hottest news story in the world right now is Paris and her jail sentence. It´s beating out major natural disasters, the G8 summit, Greenpeace activists being run over, everything. Aliens could invade right now, and we wouldn´t even notice because we´re all watching Paris all the time. In fact, we would probably assume that they´d come to check out whether or not she´s actually in jail as well. Why should this be limited to merely being an earth event after all, surely the whole Universe cares about Paris
If future civilizations ever uncover these events, they are going to assume that Paris was some kind of Goddess whom we all worshiped, but was mercilessly persecuted by the authorities and held in prison against the will of the divine, kind of like Jesus except without the extreme killing and torture and things, because today we prefer to devour people alive in the media rather than leave them dangling naked outside with stakes through their wrists.
The only problem I can see with this analogy is that Paris is actually bigger news than Jesus. We should be careful about what we do and say now, because we could very well be creating the next major religion, a religion that will hold promiscuity, drunkenness, and the assessment of things as ´hot´, or ´not hot´ as its highest ideals.
There will of course, be a book, a history of the goings on. Paris is writing it already. Sarah Silverman can be the new Pontius Pilate, whom Paris appeared before on the night of her going unto the big house of prison, and forever will the “prison bars painted like cocks” joke be reviled. Of course, Sarah Silverman is Jewish, so once again the Jews will be playing the bad guys in this story. Perhaps they can get Elliot Mintz to help them out, he´s good at what he does, and will probably have his own chapter.
The upside to the cult of Paris is that followers will undoubtedly be well dressed, and enjoy sexual congress with many people. That´s a lot better than if Britney got her own religion, in which case everyone would be bizarrely dressed and puking on each other while they expose their overused genitalia, which is a lot less hot. Of course, even if Paris does prevail there will no doubt be splinter factions which follow Lindsay, Britney, and probably Nicole, but you won´t often see the Nicolites, because they´ll be at home not eating and trying on infant´s clothes.
But I digress from the point. As this is written, Paris is currently crying her eyes out after several days of not eating or sleeping, terribly distraught at the cruel treatment of the authorities who have failed to recognize her supreme awesomeness above the law, and are committing crimes against nature itself by treating such a beautiful creature of shallow light in this base fashion.
In later years the fact that Paris was not exposed to the general prison population will be lost in the mists of history, and tellings of tales will include stories of her fighting off large women who sought to make her their bitch, conquering them with sexy style tips, and later turning prison water into Long Island Iced teas.
Paris, she bringeth unto us the party of all parties, to which one may gain acceptance into after one dies. Those who OD get a fast track to the heavenly Paris party in the sky. With her holy prison diary book, and the sex tape of virtue in their hands, the followers of Paris will one day change the world, God help us all.
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