Worst Sex Tapes Ever
Article by Hope Alexander
July 18 2007. Article viewed 19641 times.
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Sex tapes should be hot, and celebrity sex tapes should be opportunities to fantasize infinitely more effciently about the celebrity of your choice. Letīs face it, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee took the extreme fantasy virginity of millions of HNG (Horny Net Geek to the uninitiated) teens across the globe. Though theyīll probably never get a life time acheivement award for their efforts, they changed the world forever when their copulation was made public. Conservative groups got pretty dammed upset about the whole thing, but if they committed any sin, it was perhaps to raise the hopes of celebrity sex tape consumers past realistic expectations. Just because itīs a celebrity sex tape doesnīt mean its any good. Some sex tapes are more like horror flicks than anything to get excited about. Watching them may damage your psyche and libido, so stay away. Unless youīre one of those people who rubber necks at car crashes, downloads gristly movie clips from war zones, or watches mainstream tv news (yeah, sorry, its 2007, and weīre all a little screwed in the head), youīll want to stay away from the following.
Kim Kardashian Sex Tape
Kim is hot as hell, and has what could easily be the greatest (as in biggest) celebrity ass of our time, but she just had to get her freak on a little too much. Yeah, there were golden showers involved. If you donīt know what a Golden Shower is, go and ask someone you trust, like a preist, your school principal, or grandma. Hereīs a hint: It ainīt got anything to do with gold or money.
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The Screech Tapes
Screech was a popular character in a late 70īs sitcom īSaved By The Bellī, which followed the lives of bestriped teens doing their best to stay cool. From the beginning he was a completely annoying little prick, but for some reason, people loved him anyway. This could possibly be attributed to ugly puppy syndrome. Anyway, loyal fans were shocked to discover that not only had Dustin Diamond (the real name of the guy who plays Screech) had sex, but there was a tape of it, and not only was there a tape of it, but Screech is one hurlingly gross lover.
The tape contains Screech scoring with not one, but two women, and unfortunately also contains experimentations along the lines of Kimīs tape, but with much more, er, solid matter.
Dustin has a few words for people who are shocked and upset by his tape: "People need to grow up.
Yeah, grow up. Itīs perfectly faecal, I mean, natural.
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1 Night In Chyna
In spite of a VERY catchy title, 1 Night In Chyna (or China, if you want to avoid WWE copyright violations) is perhaps the most unpopular celebrity sex tape of all time. How this is possible given the first two on the list, Iīm not quite sure. Most of the objections seem to revolve around the fact that Chyna has pimples on her ass, and that she looks, well, kind of like a man. How this is worse than playing with excreteme is beyond me, but there is just no accounting for taste.
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And finally...
Paris Sex Tapes
Because anything to do with Paris and her sloppy oral fornication just plain old sucks. (Pun not intended, but probably the highlight of the sentence.)
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