Magamba´s Guide To Alcohol
Article by Hope Alexander
September 01 2007. Article viewed 5892 times.
Add to favorites | Comment on article
If you´ve ever been out at a bar or restaurant and not known what to drink, you know the embarrassment that can cause. Everyone else orders so confidently, but you, you just sit there, staring at the drinks list. You know it´s important. Your choice of drink is about more than what taste you want in your mouth as you get so drunk that you can no longer walk and end up having sex with someone you not only never met before, but would not have classified as human under normal circumstances. Your choice of drink can also have a significant impact on what others think of you, in much the same way what you wear impacts the way others see you.
This is completely shallow of course, but you´re not drinking to have a Zen experience, are you? You need to be informed, as some types of alcohol may have unanticipated side effects. This is the only guide you´ll ever need for your next drinking experience. I promise. Read on. Learn.
Red Wine
Red wine is good for your heart. It makes you healthy. It gives you a glow in your tummy. It´s socially acceptable to drink it with almost any meal. This is the real stealth drink. If you drink enough of it, you can pretend to be an aficionado. No-one will even think twice if you fill your entire basement with stores of this stuff. Try stocking your place with hard liquor like that and people will be dragging you to AA before you can so much as crack the first bottle.
White Wine
White wine is slightly less stealthy than red wine, and lends itself to fewer drinking occasions. You can still pack your house with the stuff though, so if the taste of Red is all a bit much for you, try white. The obvious benefit is that when you get roaringly drunk and toss the bottle all over yourself or the carpet, it won´t be stained, it´ll just smell like you slept in a bar.
Champagne
The drink of celebration. Drink champagne if you want to get totally wrecked totally quickly. Some say the bubbles make you drunk faster, others say they make you slutty quicker. Try a glass or six sometime and come to your own conclusions.
Vodka
This is the drink of drunks, due to the fact you can´t smell it on the breath. What the drunks forgot was that you can still see them throwing up all over themselves. It´s a small oversight, one that´s easy to make. You can try to be stealthy with this drink if you really want, and it goes great with dammed near any mixer, but it can have such potency that it has the power to give your unborn great grandchildren birth defects.
Tequila
Tequila, it makes you happy. That´s true enough, if you´re Mexican and have nothing to live for. Some of the bottles come with worms in them. These are real worms, pickled in the alcohol. The great thing about Tequila is that you can get yuppie retards to eat worms, something they´d never do under normal circumstances. Take pictures. Gloat. You earned it.
Absinthe
Van Gogh cut his ear off whilst drinking this stuff, and the Swiss had to make it illegal due to the number of farmers actually giving birth to children with missing or additional limbs. Absinthe is damed near 100% alcohol, and is created from the run off of other alcohols as they are being made. There´s really no excuse to drink this stuff ever, unless you live on the streets and you´re out of methylated spirits.
Whiskey
You should definitely drink this if you aspire to be a lumberjack. Or if you like to mix drinks with coke. Or if you want to appear rugged in front of the ladies. Drinking whiskey will give you a mountain man/Russel Crowe appeal that is hard to emulate. This also means that you´ll probably end up fighting the whoever looks at you, or doesn´t look at you. Whichever happens first.
 |
Rate this article
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6
|
 |
|
