Hunting Hippies
Article by Hope Alexander
September 21 2007. Article viewed 2073 times.
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Hippies (noun): Yippy skippy, happy clappy relics of a war torn era around 50 years ago, before people realized that the way to deal with immoral wars was to buy next gen game consoles and loose themselves in fantasy dystopias that kicked the ass of the reality they were forced to live in.
Hippies are an annoying reminder of ideals that just donīt serve society today. They wear funny clothes, wonīt brush their hair, and spend far too much time criticizing the status quo. Hippies therefore need to be hunted Personally Iīve never liked them, ever since one ratty looking girl with unkempt dreads said that she didnīt like Capricorns. Capricorns rock beatch.
Hunting hippies is not only good for the planet and for PS3 sales, it will also increase your chances of having sex with the following people: Cartman from South Park, Lindsay Lohan, and Superman.
Cartman is very much on record about his opinion of hippies, and would totally love if you hunted them. Lindsay will love you no matter what you do, and Superman, well, have you seen what he wears? Heīs clearly a total slut, and a hippy hater. No-one who uses that much hair product can possibly approve of the unwashed filthy hippy folk. As long as you donīt mind the fact that he died in Superman #75, youīre totally going to score.
Now weīve gotten the necessary cartoon necrophilia jokes out of the way, heres how to hunt a hippy.
How To Hunt A Hippy:
- Follow the scent. Hippies smell of three distinct and unmistakable scents. The first is of Incense. This scent is tempered by the omnipresent smell of marijuana, but unfortunately for the hunter, these two scents fail to cover the stench of body odor that pervades not only the air around them but their living spaces as well.
- Donīt let your ears fool you. Musically hippies have diverged since their lovey dovey yippy skippy approach back in the 60īs. They are now just as likely to be listening to Rammstein and NIN as anything else.
- Hippies will generally be in groups of three or more. This facilitates dirty hippy sex, as well as lowered cost of living because hippies never have any money. Bloody hippies. Try calling various landlords and seeing which ones seem really pissed off. If they seem borderline homicidal, they either have student or hippy tenants, or possibly both.
Other Reasons To Hunt Hippies:
- Hippies donīt fight back. Hippies will sit there blearily while you surround them and pick them off. Hippies are excellent practice for more dangerous targets, like baby seals.
- Hippies, like really lame dragons, are always guarding a stash. You can claim their stash as the spoils of victory and become really happy or make a couple of hundred on the side, the choice is yours.
- Hippies donīt know youīre coming. Hippies donīt have computers, and they donīt believe in the Interweb, theyīre far too busy trying to see through the veil of their own consciousness. ]Theyīll never see you coming. Itīs like shooting fish in a barrel, and we all now how fun that is.
- Hippies are bringing down society by making the rest of us feel bad about being rich and selfish. They also promote the spread of disease, and rarely join the military. Whatīs the point of people unprepared to power a war machine? Itīs inhuman, thatīs what it is, goddamed peaceniks.
Words of wisdom:
Hippy hunting is no longer as approved of as it was back during the Vietnam war, so be careful. Hippies are technically humans and covered by the laws of most countries. Thus Hippies are best hunted with mace and conservative propaganda. If you should find yourself cornered, simply chant Bush quotes at them until they back away in confusion. They will misunderstimate your powers, and assume you are tripping on something, and thus must be one of them.
Good luck friends, our fate rests in your hands.
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