Save your Mate from Marital Doom
Article by Hope Alexander
February 16 2008. Article viewed 4779 times.
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So your best friend has a girlfriend. You don’t really like her, but that’s okay because she’s just the girlfriend, right? Tough luck if she doesn’t like you, or any of his other friends. It’s okay if she’s dressing him in pink lambs’ wool sweaters, he’ll grow out of it, it’s just a phase. It’s inevitable with women, they’ll try and change you, but you know your mate, he’s not the type to be whipped for long. Before you know it he’ll be back out with you at the clubs, coming around for poker night, and if you and the guys decide to head out to Vegas on a whim, he’ll be right there, by your side, his underwear on his head. Like the good old days. It’ll be fine, right ? Wrong.
So many friends make this mistake. Mistaking the blush of new love for something transitory. Nine times out of ten, you’re probably right. He’ll get over her, discover something new or more curvaceous. He’ll get sick of the nagging, of family dinners, of having to keep his pants done up.
But sometimes gentleman, your friend. Your buddy. Your pal from way back when, may find himself entrapped into something he can’t control, sucked into the relationship vortex, a vicious swirling storm of coasters on tables, and co-ordinating fabrics. And when that happens, it can only end in a ring. That’s right. He’ll be down on one knee before you know it.
The next time you see him he’ll be being lead by the necktie. Clothed in a black and white prison suit. And then he’ll want you to go down with him. He’ll ask you to stand there beside him, helpless, as he signs his life away, resigns himself to dinner sets with floral motifs, hand knitted matching sweaters and a family wagon.
You cannot let this happen. You MUST take action. You must save your friend. Here are a few sure fire ways to do just that.
Saving your Mate Technique #1: Return the ring to Mount Doom.That’s right. You must return it to the only place it can be destroyed before its power leaves your world changed forever. Remember Golem ? That’ll be your mate in a couple of months as his darling fiancée is tormenting him about the place settings and the seating chart, and the tribal dancers she wants flown in from Gondwanaland, and she doesn’t care if that was torn apart by the movement of tectonic plates many millennia ago.
Saving your Mate Technique #2: Bribe a homeless person.Seems like a random sort of measure to take, but believe me, it will all work out for the best when used in conjunction with technique #3. When selecting your street person, go for a quiet shuffling mumbler rather than one screaming religious slogans.
Saving your Mate Technique #3: Groom SwapYou’re all wearing matching suits at the wedding, right ? That’s the brilliance of the male mind at play there. Any male can be substituted for any other male and no-one will know the difference. Here’s where your homeless person comes into play. For a burger and a fifth of vodka, he’ll take her off your mate’s hands. If more people took this option the streets would soon become a more accesorised, color co-ordinated and clean place to be.
Saving your Mate #4: Reality TelevisionWhen you’re really in a bind, send them away to reality tv shows. Survivor for him, Extreme Makeover for her. He’ll come back having lost his job, having been ridiculed across the country, malnourished and stinking of fetid rice. She’ll be totally hot and so full of plastic that she’s able to be cleaned by being rinsed off under the hot tap and wiped dry with a soft cloth. With any luck he’ll be so traumatized by his experiences in the wild that the only use he’ll have for her will be as a flotation device.
Saving your Mate #5: Abduct his GirlThen you’ll have to deal with her. Not recommended.
Saving your Mate Technique #6: Meet the ParentsSet up a dinner where she supposedly meets his parents. Hire a couple of actors to play his parents. Make sure his ‘Mom’ hits on her mom, while his ‘Dad’ devotes his time to hitting on your mate’s fiancee. It’s best if ‘Dad’ is balding, over 400 pounds and develops a dribble when he eats. Go with this maneuver and it’ll be all over before the creme brulee comes out. Caution: This may result in physical harm to your actors. Make sure they sign a waiver before you send them out.
Saving your Mate Technique #7: Skeletons in the ClosetThrow an engagement for the happy couple, then later in the evening, when the drinks are flowing, start a rousing game of truth or dare. His fiancee is sure not to appreciate being regaled with the story of the time he had a threesome with a midget from antigua and Mikaela, the pre-op transvestite.
Saving your Mate Technique #8:
Set his fiancee up with Mikaela the pre-op transvestite.Girls just LOVE gay guys. Don’t they ?
Saving your Mate Technique #9: The Bachelor PartyTraditionally the last stand for the single male. This is the last civilized opportunity you’re going to have a shot at saving your mate. It is your solemn duty to get his wrecked off his ass and then take pictures of him having a group orgy with as many strippers/prostitutes as you can pay for. Vegas is highly recommended for this endeavor. Due to the huge advances in technology, you can regale his bride to be with the pictures via a camera phone. Yeah, he’ll be pissed, maybe heartbroken, but he’ll thank you later.
These are just some of the ways you can attempt a rescue of your mate. This could be the most important thing you ever do for him. Don’t be afraid to be bold, daring, and inventive. I’ll leave you with one last tip ...
Saving your Mate Technique #10: Call in the MarinesIf all else has failed, and he’s actually at the altar, it’s time to hire a black hawk helicopter and repel down into the ceremony, abducting him at gunpoint and whisking him away into the sky. The beauty of this one is that you get to ride around and make gun firing noises, all the while buzzing residential buildings. Which is cool. Also, Vegas is way quicker to get to by air.
Good Luck Chaps. Remember. Your mates are depending on you.
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