Why I wear a tinfoil hat
Article by Hope Alexander
January 12 2008. Article viewed 4509 times.
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As you are no doubt well aware, the world these days is run by evil corporations who want to control your mind and turn you into a virtual consuming zombie. This is clearly bad news because being a zombie sucks ass, except of course, for the part where you get to eat the brains of hapless victims. Unfortunately, as a corporate zombie, you don´t even get to eat the brains of hapless victims. Instead you get to drink soda and eat pizza, which is okay but pretty lame really.
With the corporations trying their evil best to control you and your life, you have to strike back. This article will show you how to break free of their evil hold and find a brave new world where you are able to make decisions without being subliminally influenced to drink soda all the time and slowly die of clogged arteries and diabetes, which are ailments real zombies don´t have to contend with either.
First off, you´re going to want to invest in a good tinfoil hat. That´s right. One layer of foil isn´t going to do it either, you´re going to need multiple layers of foil in order to really cut the microwaves out of your head and leave your brain free to process thoughts uninterrupted. Once you´ve wrapped your skull in at least 10 to 15 layers of foil, you should feel a certain sense of calm descending over you. This is a result of the thought rays which the corporations beam into your head no longer zipping through your neural pathways. Feels good, doesn´t it?
Nextly, you´re going to have to wean yourself of the evil television. This is often the hardest part for people to achieve, because the evil corporations are so very very good at making you addicted to their bright and noisy moving pictures. Try reading a book if it gets too hard. That´s right, a book. Your mother told you to read, didn´t she ? Now you know why, mother really does know best.
During this time of freeing yourself from the evil corporations, you are going to need to follow her advice as much as possible. Much has changed since you were a child, remember when you wanted that man doll, and she said no, and you whined that everyone else had one and then she asked you if everyone else was jumping off a bridge would you do it as well ? Well now there is bungee jumping and the answer unfortunately is yes, yes mom I would jump off a bridge if everyone else was doing it. Not only that, but I would pay a couple of hundred bucks for the privilege too.
What went so very wrong ? When did we get the idea that leaping off bridges and out of planes and ingesting substances with enough sugar to give the entire continent of Africa a buzz, was a good idea ?
Well friends, it was when the evil corporations got tired of simply making money off us and decided to start killing us in interesting ways just for the fun of it.
Don´t act surprised, the word “Evil” is built right in there, what were you expecting ? You just know that up in some corner office of the world Joe Bob and Jay Bob are placing bets on just how fat people will allow themselves to get before they die and the side of their house has to be removed in order to allow them to be extracted. They´re investing in forklift companies at the same time as they´re introduce the super mega whammy super size option in their insidious fast food chain. This teaches us a second important thing. Never trust a Texan.
Thus it is important that you buy food only from hippies in free flowing robes who grow produce on happy farms with no pesticides or genetic engineering, but instead use anti parasite prayers and rain dances to ensure the fruitfulness of their crops. If you´re feeling withdrawals from televised violence, try killing your own cow for dinner. There´s nothing quite like being soaked in the real blood of an innocent creature, and if you´ve put enough layers in your tinfoil hat, you´ll be able to wrap the cuts in a few extraneous layers before storing them in the freezer.
Not all media is bad however, feel free to invest in a DVD player and watch independent movies, true they´ll be kind of crap, but they´re unlikely to attempt to brainwash you with singing dancing midgets, and even if they did, they wouldn´t do it very well anyway. Better still, start your own broadcasting station, and spread the word about the evil corporations.
Of course, if you´re going to be that vocal, you´re going to attract attention to yourself, and if that happens, you´re going to need an escape route. Don´t expect the evil corporations to just take your attacks, they can be truly vicious when exposed. So, before you start broadcasting, invest in some quality jamming hardware, or try routing the signal through your neighbors place. That way, when they get stormed by men with big guns and cool black jackets and inferiority complexes which interestingly are about the size of Texas, you´ll be giggling happily to yourself and munching on a nutritious snack of celery and bean dip, served in an inverted tinfoil hat of course.
Free your mind.
Free it.
Free it now.
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